Asshole caterpillars and huge, freakin’ spiders

Well, I’ve been having a bit of drama in my life which has kept me from writing. I’m not going to go into detail here about it. Not now anyway. Possibly never, depending on the outcome. But I did have some things pop up to write about while I was on vacation in the woods of New Hampshire so I’m going to write about them.

So there were these small, green and black caterpillars. I kept finding one crawling up the entrance of the tent. I would remove it, and it would crawl back up. Or maybe it was another, who knows. One day, I approach the tent, another one is crawling up the door. Fine. I just ignored it because, seriously, I could waste my day flicking the damn things off the tent. I go in the tent, rummage for something and realize I should zip the door back up before bugs get in. I turn and I don’t see the caterpillar. So I zip up. And discover little green guts oozing out of the closed zipper. I had totally zipped up the caterpillar that had been crawling around. In fact I even yelled, “Oh my gods, I totally just zipped up a caterpillar!” I believe I received a resounding “Eww!” from my boyfriend. I felt pretty bad about it. I didn’t want to kill the thing!

Here’s the crazy part. After that, I kept seeing more and more of the silly things. Crawling up the door, crawling all over the tent, up on the outside of the mesh at the top of the tent…it was like they were coming after me. Turns out…they were! No, I know it sounds crazy but let me tell you about the one. I was sitting in a chair under a tree, feet propped up on the built in footrest when I notice one of them is crawling up my left pant leg. I sighed and flicked it off. About twenty minutes to a half hour later, the same one is now crawling up my right pant leg! Here’s how I know it was the same one: After I flicked it off again, I saw where it landed and watched it. It laid there for about a minute before starting to move again. It started to crawl slowly toward my chair! I watched this thing as it moved closer and closer, up a blade of grass and then onto one of the legs of the chair. It crawled up the leg toward the foot rest and then disappeared beneath it where I looked and found it trying to cling to the underside to make it’s way to the top and back onto my pants! I flicked it off again and decided to go do something else. Obviously it was trying to take revenge for it’s brother. They all were!

asshole caterpillar

Here’s one of the vengeful, little bastards.      (image:

Also, I learned a valuable lesson. Always use a flashlight to thoroughly search the inside of the camping toilet tent before using it at night. If you don’t, you risk a giant freakin’ spider landing on your head. Luckily, I learned this lesson before it could actually land on my head but it was a close one. It’s also a good idea to have a blunt object available with which to club any giant spiders to death because it turns out they’re difficult to kill with just a pointy stick. Just saying. We tried to get it out by catching its web on a stick and tossing it out but the web broke, it fell to the ground and my boyfriend stabbed it to death with a stick about thirty times. You can’t overdo a stabbing with a giant spider.

I will not be putting up a sample picture of the giant spider. I’m not even sure what kind it was. I just remember a lot of legs and giant fangs. Okay, I don’t really remember any fangs but I’m sure it had them and that it would have tried to kill me with them because spiders are jerks.
On that note of insanity, I’m going to get some much needed sleep.


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