Shut up and drink your Jesus

First off, let me start by saying that anyone who has found this blog by searching for “Jesus” is going to be soooo disappointed. And possibly offended. You may even find yourself wanting to pray for me. Please don’t. While I appreciate that you really feel you’re doing something good, I feel that Jesus has a sense of humor so I’m good here. So if you’re offended by the title and not intrigued, move along. Not the blog for you. I was about to say sorry but I’m really not.

Next, I had a nasty cold recently, which is why there has been so little out of me. I cured it, for the most part, with lots of garlic and vitamin C. I seemed to have let it take a bit of a hold again by having a weekend of fun and alcohol. I had a two-day hangover and today I feel more stuffed up. Or maybe I would have anyway, even without the fun and alcohol. It turns out alcoholic beverages do wonders for making your cold feel like it’s all gone and that’s great. In moderation. Moderation went out the window.

The point of this blog entry, though, is an article I found on coffee this morning. I love articles like these because they support my habit of coffee. They turn it from a “bad habit” into something good. In fact, I may even add one more cup to my daily intake. Maybe. The studies that have been going on, finding correlations between coffee intake and reduced risk of certain diseases is, in my world, the most fantastic things ever. I find these articles more and more lately and there’s nothing better than to be able to say, “See? My addiction is good!” (If it’s good, can it still be called an addiction?) Things I’ve read that coffee can help reduce the risk of: early onset Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, colon cancer, certain types of skin cancer, breast cancer, type 2 diabetes, and depression. There’s even been a study that seems to have found that coffee can actually help prolong your life. Next they’ll say it can cure death. Coffee will cure disease and raise the dead. Like Jesus. A big, warm, tasty cup of Jesus. Of course, there’s always the chance that coffee will actually be the cause of the Zombie Apocalypse. I hope everyone has their zombie plan ready, just in case.

I just had an entire different paragraph here but I’ve decided to save it for a future blog entry. Don’t want to run out of material. On that note, time to clean up the mess from making coffee. Until next time.

Yep, I’m going to talk about it

Are you ready? Because I’m SO going to talk about it. That’s right. The iPhone 5. I don’t have one. I will. I plan to replace my iPhone 4 when my phone is up for an upgrade because I refuse to pay $750 for a new phone. I’ll pay $300 though. Why? Because Steve Jobs did a very good job of brainwashing me so, of course, I must have this new toy. And yes, I realize he died almost a year ago but it’s not like in the movies when you kill the Head Vampire all the lesser vampires revert back to being human (I’m thinking of The Lost Boys here. You know, actual badass vampires). Just because Mr. Jobs is no longer among us doesn’t mean his brainwashing has gone away. That’s here to stay unless his replacements really, really fuck it all up. So far, this doesn’t sound like the greatest upgrade but they haven’t screwed it up to the point where my brain is able to override the desire to have it anyway.

I have a taste of the new phone with the software upgrade on my current phone. iOS 6 seems to be a clusterfuck, really. And Apple’s anti-Google bigotry really stands out now. The You Tube app that came standard with the phone disappeared. It can be downloaded for free now but really? And no more Google maps! It’s Apple maps, which is a comedy of errors. Really, I don’t know what the issue they have with Google is but I’m pretty sure that Google will one day become self-aware and will then become our benevolent overlord so really, Apple, have some respect.

I also had to download a new app just to be able to read my work schedule which is done as an Excel spreadsheet. Used to be I could just go into my email, open the attachment and there it was. No more. A couple extra steps are needed now and scrolling from one part of the schedule to another results in a bunch of choppy jumping so that you end up overshooting where you wanted to go. Some people have had an issue with using WiFi. The new Passbook thing doesn’t work for a lot of people. The whole thing is just buggy as hell and I feel sad because I’m pretty sure Steve Jobs would never have allowed a product like this to be released. He would have demanded better because he was a flippin’ tyrant and that’s how he rolled. Tim Cook is totally dropping the ball here.

And what’s with the new USB connector? I’m sure there are design reasons for making it smaller (maybe for a little more battery room?) but that’s not the issue I have. They named it. They named the connector. It’s called Lightning. Who the hell names a USB connector? There were so many other things that could have used a little extra attention while they were sitting around coming up with a name for a USB connector!

So WHY am I still determined to have this new phone? Because I still hold out hope that this will be a big lesson to Tim Cook and that these kinds of colossal mistakes won’t happen again. Because I’m hoping there will be an update to fix the bugs (maybe even before my upgrade comes up next month). Because my phone doesn’t have Siri and as slow as she can be, I still want her on my phone (and because I hear the update actually has her working better for the most part – something that went right). I look forward to a bigger screen and a thinner phone (Although now its just going to stick out of my jeans pockets even more – is there a reason the pockets on women’s’ jeans are so much shallower than men’s? We put things in our pockets too!) *shrug* I happen to be a sheep in this case, I admit it. But at least I wasn’t standing outside the Apple store on September 22nd waiting to drop $750 on a phone that is only kinda better than the one before, which was only slightly better than the one before that. Steve, you did your job well.

I was right about the asshole

Yesterday I received half the number of views I did on my most viewed day. That makes sense as I satisfied half the requirements. I can’t wait to try out my theory on the weekend. So for future reference, the word “asshole” is an attention grabber people. This weekend I may try a different cuss word just for shits and giggles. See what I did there? Yeah, neither do I. I don’t intend on my blog being filled with cussing from now on, I just find this an interesting experiment. Maybe I should always include a swear word in my tags. Or maybe I’ll just beg and plead with you all to spread this blog around! It’s fun here. Borderline crazy. And there will be posts that are just full of crazy I’m sure. So spread it! Spread the crazy! Because then people will smile or laugh and then they’ll be happy and happy people will save the world. So really, you’re just helping to save the world by sharing my blog. Who knew it would be that easy?

Apparently the word “asshole” gets views (or What I’ve Learned So Far)

So far in my very short blogging “career” I’ve learned a couple of things. 1. I should save my best stuff for the weekends. 2. Cussing in the title brings readers. Perhaps these are the wrong lessons but my most viewed post had the word “asshole” in the title and I put it up on a weekend. I have no objection to this as I can swear like a drunken sailor when I feel like. I apologize if that last sentence is now considered insensitive to sailors. You never know now-a-days. I’ll have to look into that. Or not. I’ll probably just keep using that simile on the rare occasion I need it.

I had to ask my boyfriend if “swear like a drunken sailor” was an analogy, a metaphor or what. At first he said it was a smilie, which, I agreed, but he had meant simile. He did correct himself but I liked his first assessment. I think that’s how I’ll go about my day today. Everything will be smilie. Man, the automatic spell check is having a fit with that one. Fuck you spell check. I’ll spell how I want!

What this all means is that I’d better come up with some good stuff for this weekend. I’m sure I can pull out something. I’ve got all sorts of work stories (I work at a bank – won’t say which one as I’d like to keep my job). Something hilarious is bound to happen between now and the weekend as well. I can’t wait. I’ve got my little blog notebook at the ready to write some event down so I don’t forget it. Bring it on!

Coffee talk

I’ve been neglecting my blog. I apologize. I’ve been having some personal things going on. This isn’t where I’m going to air my dirty laundry so I won’t go into details. Suffice it to say, writing has not been a priority, which is terrible, really. This makes me happy and I really should try and do it each and every day! Even when I don’t feel like it, or I’m uninspired. I just hate to put something out there that’s just SUCH a bad read! Practice makes perfect though.

Had trouble with my coffee this morning. I have this one cup brewer thing. I call it a “lazy man’s french press” because you don’t even have to press anything. It’s called a Clever Coffee Dripper. It’s a very simple thing and you wouldn’t think it would make a good cup of coffee but, oh, it does. And it’s so easy. (It’s here if you’re curious). You may have to play with how much coffee you add at first but that’s something I do with any new coffee maker, directions be damned. Different coffees require different amounts. The directions on the coffee usually need to be tweaked a bit. The directions are just a starting off point in my humble opinion. But then, I like my coffee more than most. Drinking coffee is an entire experience for me, from the brewing to the drinking. Well, sometimes a cafe brews it for me but the drinking part…that’s the best. Coffee must be savored. Every sip should be concentrated on and enjoyed to its fullest.

You see, I’m a coffee addict. If I could, I’d drink it all day. It makes me exceedingly happy and clears my head, allowing me to concentrate. It’s been suggested I’m mildly ADD because of that. I do spend most of my time feeling a little foggy and unfocused, so possibly. All I know is I like a good, strong cup of coffee. Must have some sort of sweetener in it though. And I recently learned I can take or leave any kind of cream, as long as the coffee is good coffee. Good coffee is smooth, no matter how strong it is. My current fave is a dark roast by Starbucks called Cafe Verona. It’s roasty with almost chocolate undertones. Delicious.

I completely got off topic (ADD?). I was talking about the trouble I had making coffee this morning. Sometimes I’m so in need of coffee that I have issues making it. Or ordering it, if I’m in a cafe. This morning, I boiled up some water, poured it in the dripper to let the coffee steep and then poured some hot water into my mug to prepare the mug, so to speak. It heats up the mug and helps the coffee stay hotter longer. When the coffee is ready, you dump the water out of the mug and then the coffee goes in. Forgot to dump the water, so ended up with watered down coffee everywhere when the mug overflowed. *sigh* So I cleaned everything up, dumped the used grounds in the kitchen composter, boiled some more water and went to pour it in the dripper only to realize I hadn’t put the filter back in and added coffee. At least that didn’t require starting all over but it delayed me a minute. I skipped the prepping the mug thing as I’m fairly certain the inside was still warm (plus I was afraid I’d make the same mistake AGAIN). After about four minutes of steeping, I finally had my coffee. Worth every fumbling moment but some days it’s so difficult to get that cup.

There was a time I wandered into my usual coffee shop (Ok, it’s a Starbucks) to order a coffee and all I could come up with at first was, “I’ll take a grande…something. Oh my gods, I need coffee so bad I can’t order my coffee!” Cue laughing baristas. Luckily, I go there enough that they accurately guessed what I wanted. It didn’t keep the one guy from writing “Something” with a big smiley face on the side of my cup. I love that place. Although, honestly, the small, non-chain cafes are usually a bit better and I prefer to support a small business, I just haven’t found one on the way to work. There are at least three Starbucks, though, and they make a good latte, support equal rights and, from what I hear, are really good to all of their employees. I’ve never run across an unhappy person working at Starbucks. Of course, they’re probably all hopped up on espresso. I’d be happy all the time too. I once considered working at a Starbucks but it occurred to me I’d never sleep again and really, I value sleep.

Last thing, for anyone who has read any previous posts, my dog, Pandora, is doing just fine. She came out of the vets office with some funny shaved patches, some pain killers and some liquid antibiotics. Later that evening you’d never know anything had happened to her (except the funny haircut). I wish I were that resilient. Time for her walk. Looks like the sky may open up and drop some rain so I’d better hurry.

I’m here!

No, haven’t forgotten my blog. It’s just been a week and I have a work schedule that isn’t consistent. It makes it slightly more difficult to manage my time. I prefer routine but…sometimes we don’t get what we want. I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, watch this space! Or the space above it. Because I won’t actually be writing more in this space once I publish it.

You people are weird

I was rummaging through my stats for my blog, as a new blogger tends to do – actually, I’m guessing a not-so-new blogger likes to look at that as well, but I digress. There’s a section that will show you what search terms people used in a search engine that led them to your blog. Here’s what I found:

Ha!

You people are weird.

I remember that post, and how I was commenting that a search for Mitt Romney’s crotch brings up nothing. Well now, my friends, it does apparently. My blog. I couldn’t be more proud. It would appear if you’re looking for a dominatrix in Portsmouth that you’ll get to my blog as well. I’m on my way to something big here, folks.

Asshole caterpillars and huge, freakin’ spiders

Well, I’ve been having a bit of drama in my life which has kept me from writing. I’m not going to go into detail here about it. Not now anyway. Possibly never, depending on the outcome. But I did have some things pop up to write about while I was on vacation in the woods of New Hampshire so I’m going to write about them.

So there were these small, green and black caterpillars. I kept finding one crawling up the entrance of the tent. I would remove it, and it would crawl back up. Or maybe it was another, who knows. One day, I approach the tent, another one is crawling up the door. Fine. I just ignored it because, seriously, I could waste my day flicking the damn things off the tent. I go in the tent, rummage for something and realize I should zip the door back up before bugs get in. I turn and I don’t see the caterpillar. So I zip up. And discover little green guts oozing out of the closed zipper. I had totally zipped up the caterpillar that had been crawling around. In fact I even yelled, “Oh my gods, I totally just zipped up a caterpillar!” I believe I received a resounding “Eww!” from my boyfriend. I felt pretty bad about it. I didn’t want to kill the thing!

Here’s the crazy part. After that, I kept seeing more and more of the silly things. Crawling up the door, crawling all over the tent, up on the outside of the mesh at the top of the tent…it was like they were coming after me. Turns out…they were! No, I know it sounds crazy but let me tell you about the one. I was sitting in a chair under a tree, feet propped up on the built in footrest when I notice one of them is crawling up my left pant leg. I sighed and flicked it off. About twenty minutes to a half hour later, the same one is now crawling up my right pant leg! Here’s how I know it was the same one: After I flicked it off again, I saw where it landed and watched it. It laid there for about a minute before starting to move again. It started to crawl slowly toward my chair! I watched this thing as it moved closer and closer, up a blade of grass and then onto one of the legs of the chair. It crawled up the leg toward the foot rest and then disappeared beneath it where I looked and found it trying to cling to the underside to make it’s way to the top and back onto my pants! I flicked it off again and decided to go do something else. Obviously it was trying to take revenge for it’s brother. They all were!

asshole caterpillar

Here’s one of the vengeful, little bastards.      (image: cafejohnsonia.com)

Also, I learned a valuable lesson. Always use a flashlight to thoroughly search the inside of the camping toilet tent before using it at night. If you don’t, you risk a giant freakin’ spider landing on your head. Luckily, I learned this lesson before it could actually land on my head but it was a close one. It’s also a good idea to have a blunt object available with which to club any giant spiders to death because it turns out they’re difficult to kill with just a pointy stick. Just saying. We tried to get it out by catching its web on a stick and tossing it out but the web broke, it fell to the ground and my boyfriend stabbed it to death with a stick about thirty times. You can’t overdo a stabbing with a giant spider.

I will not be putting up a sample picture of the giant spider. I’m not even sure what kind it was. I just remember a lot of legs and giant fangs. Okay, I don’t really remember any fangs but I’m sure it had them and that it would have tried to kill me with them because spiders are jerks.
On that note of insanity, I’m going to get some much needed sleep.

And away I go

Well, seems my last post has been getting quite a few hits. Perhaps I should stick with things more serious, eh? Perhaps not. I find life can really bog you down when you take everything too seriously. Of course there are a lot of things which must be taken seriously and we can’t ignore the troubles in the world, I just find it’s a lot easier to deal with it all if I keep the funny going. Or, at least, try to. Now if everyone reading would just hit the like button…although I’ve just discovered, you don’t get to Like a post unless you’re logged in to WordPress. *sigh* I wonder if there’s something I can do about that? Will have to look through my settings. Or just look into making my own website. Or just moving my blog altogether. I’d like ANYONE to be able to comment, Like, whatever.

I’ll be heading off on a trip today. Any posts I manage to make will be more like status updates as I’ll be depending on a WordPress app to do any writing and, frankly, I hate typing on my phone. Takes too long. Too many typos. That sort of thing. So anyway, this post is neither interesting or entertaining and for that, I apologize. But now you know why you may get short little blog updates. And knowing is half the battle. GI Joooooooooooeeeeeee!

GAAAAAATES! (Said like Captain Kirk said, “KAAAAAAHHHHN!”)

I just spent way too much time trying to add my blog to a couple of search engines. Or something like that. Whatever I was doing it’s to get some traffic over here. Not that this blog is terribly entertaining. Yet. But Google was nice and easy. Bing, not so much. Gave me issues the whole way through and honestly I’m still not sure if I managed it. Way to go Microsoft. User friendly as always. Honestly, I should just stick with all things not Microsoft, maybe get a Mac next time I’m up for a new computer. Which is soon. Windows 7 drives me nuts. I was trying to copy just one portion of what’s called a meta tag but every time I would try, the entire tag would get highlighted. I would try again. Nope, must copy the whole thing. No really, you have to have the whole thing. No, all of it. Did I stutter? I’m Windows 7, you’ll do as I say and like it. Bitch. It’s not like I can’t copy the whole thing, paste it and then just delete the extraneous portions, but it’s the principle of the thing. I shouldn’t have to.

Ever.

Bitch.

(That, was directed at Microsoft, by the way).